Faiza Thinks: Let there be spaces in your togetherness

Let there be spaces in your togetherness, and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow. -  Khalil Gibran

I have read this quote before as well; but, to be very honest, I’m yet to fully decipher the true essence of this quote. Amongst quotes, advising about our behavior as social animal, this one to me seems very comprehensive, for love is not merely the emotions felt for opposite sex; rather, it’s the kindness of our every interaction with mankind.  

Today, however, we are going to see it in the light of more commonly perceived definition of love: excitement felt for the opposite sex. I heard someone saying, “We all need breathing [space] to live and to love.” If I look back at my life, I have been as naive about the importance of having spaces as a blank slate. 

IMPORTANCE OF SPACES IN TOGETHERNESS: 

My philosophy was why not be with someone all of most of the time if you truly love them. But that’s exactly what leads us astray and we soon find all of the fondness of mysteriousness & curiosity turning into ashes of boredom and clashes. It’s not that we stop loving; it’s just that by not tasting it slowly and galloping it too quickly down our throat without admiring its flavor, we run out of the ideas of keeping our bonds interesting.

These spaces are those slots where you rightfully steal sometime from your relationship, without any guilt, to top-up empty cups, refill holes, strengthen the bonds, mend the weak links, and bring something fresh, something new to the connection. 

However, this is not as easy as it sound on screen. Every day, we see breakups, broken promises, frustration, declining interest, fears, insecurities, and unmet expectations. 

WHY WE FAIL TO GIVE BREATHING SPACE?

We don’t love ourselves. This is sheer sadness because it’s absolutely true. Most of us are full of self-doubts thinking:

·         I’m not good enough

·         I deserve Bull Shit

·         I don’t deserve anything worthwhile so my partner is doing me a favor by being in  a relationship with me.

·         I don’t have what it takes to be assertive

·       My partner is so good, I don’t want to lose him/her, even if requires accepting every abusive way he/she treats me with.

·         I’ll not be able to find anyone else. 

These are a few of many statements that we tell ourselves throughout the day and unfortunately it crippled us so much that no only we forget to make our own selves a priority but also feel indebted to our partner so much that we become clingy. We start needing them to appraise us, to make us feel good about ourselves, to notice good things about us and compliment them. We put our burden of filling our cups on them. 

By not having sense of accomplishment, we look forward to our partner EVERY TIME, to make us feel important, significant, and valuable. In the beginning, they do this out of love but then soon realize your need. This secretly lets them pull your strings at their discretion and for few words of appreciation they “earn” their right to dominate the relationship. This imbalance with passage of time creates many troubles. 

You put so much effort to secure their applauses that your own dignity dies with your beseeching attitude. The more you beg their attention, the more they dominate, and the more you get frustrated for never having equivalent respect. But, you lost it yourself in the first place you remember? It’s not their fault if they start taking your for granted as it was you who took your presence for granted at first and showed them a way that they can do that too. 

STAND TOGETHER YET NOT TOO NEAR TOGETHER:

Your need for external appraises might be the reason of your bad childhood experiences, lack of support from parents, siblings, friends, or even teachers. But, whatever that has happened to you is past and you had no control over it. On the other hand, present and future is what you can take care of by living more vigilantly, by forgiving yourself, by accepting yourself just the way your are with all your imperfections, with all your weaknesses and strengths, with all your memories, with all your experiences that have made you who you are. I bet, had there been someone else living your life, they wouldn’t have survived even a day. So pat yourself on back and learn to love yourself BEFORE others. You call it selfishness. Let it be selfishness. Unless your soul is healed, you can’t nurse others’ wounds. 

Remember for your own sake that you CAN’T feel good for others’ accomplishments. Everyone wants to be associated with winner not a loser. If you’ll not have goals of your own, accomplishments of your own, successes of your own, you’ll stop losing motivation and worth. You know why you love your partner so much? Because in the time away from you, they think about themselves, they improve themselves, and they build their bridges of small successes apart from you. Why should they be in a relationship with you if you don’t win your games? Their needs aren’t any different. They want to be with winners as well. 

Look at yourself. Do you maintain physical presences, are you socially well received, are you financially independent, are you responsible, are you a good person to talk to about what’s happening in the world, are you a good joke cracker, do you have a respected degree, are you earning well? Don’t blame them if they don’t contact you. Blame yourself that you waste all the time begging their attention and not do anything to make yourself irresistible. 

From this moment onwards, don’t look to others to feel good. Your comments are final authority. Your opinion matters, you have to choose to decide for yourself. Now, instead of looking to mobile screens and waiting for your loved ones to text, indulge in the sweetness of your passion, taste the insanity of chasing your dreams, insisting on seeing life as you want to and get lost in your hobbies so much that others stop by and say, “let me be part of your world”.

LOVE YOURSELF:

Here are 15 ideas to enjoy yourself

1)         Take a very long relaxing bath (I don’t forget to sing my nursery rhymes, my favorite songs and yes to admire how beautiful blessing it is to take a shower).

2)         Read a book, very interesting one. (Currently, I’m reading “Time Traveler’s wife”.)

3)         Play an upbeat number and dance madly on its every beat.

4)         Try a new dish.

5)         Take Pictures

6)         Organize already taken pictures.

7)         Download new, different music

8)         Watch a movie, with a happy ending.

9)         Learn about something or acquire a new skill

10)       Organize a messy corner of your home.

11)       Host a party at home of your family/friends

12)       Yoga

13)       Make a cheapest plan to travel and visit places.

14)       Talk to your mother.

15)       Maintain a gratitude list. 

DANCE TOGETHER & BE JOYOUS:

Spaces don’t mean that you stop loving your partner. No; rather by loving yourself, you avoid the imbalance, bring something new to talk about, don’t let your relationship die with boredom, respect your partners need to be themselves. You lower your expectations as the majority of your efforts then become focused on your improvement and you feel more fulfilled and inertly satisfied. What your partner gets?  A loving relationship, a more confident partner whom they feel genuine respect for as they wanted someone a complete human being to make 1+1=2 not a child to constantly take care of. 

Have any thought? Do share. Till then,